Past, Present, Future Tense

One beautiful thing about the Spanish language is that there are universal rules of pronunciation and conjunction. One word — “vivir,” for example, meaning “to live” — can be written in perfectly patterned past, present, and future tense: “viví” (“I lived”), “vivo” (“I live”), and “viviré” (“I will live”). This pattern makes learning Spanish exponentially easier than learning English.

With all of that said, I can really only speak in the present tense. I do appreciate the patterns and understand when I hear others use them, but I have yet to be able to speak well about the past (and forget the future)!

When I verbalized this observation, it made me think: so much of what I am doing on a daily basis here is for the present only. I hyper-focus on the beauty of here and now and “laugh without fear of the future” (Proverbs 31:25).

Past

“I am running from things that can destroy my soul: complacency, comfort, and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self-serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy” (Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie).

My sister had her senior photo shoot a couple weeks ago and wore my favorite skirt in some laying-on-the-ground pictures and my favorite white leather Nikes in a squatting-and-creasing-the-toes pose. When I saw that, I freaked out. After sending unfiltered messages to both her and my mom, I was then hit between the eyes with a thought: “What happened?!? You haven’t even thought about those clothes and have been more content than ever without them! Instead of hyping up someone you love on her special day, you cared more about stuff!” The thought sat in the pit of my stomach that I had so easily stepped back into my old mindset, the world of American KJ.

The past is a place that prepared me for the present, a place where God was just as active in my life as now. However, it was also in the past that I realized I needed a shift in my outlook and perspective. To slow down. To simplify. To love because of God, not because of me.

“Jesus said the two most important commandments were to love God and to love each other, and we’re living in disobedience when we’re too busy and rushed to do either well.” (Tori Masters, Mornings with the Masters podcast)

Present

“We are so quick to pause a movie so we don’t miss anything, but rarely do we pause our own lives…and we’re missing everything” (Arbor Diggs).

“It’s so simple here,” I commented to Melissa last week. “It’s like living in a little bubble where the rest of the world doesn’t matter, and I love it.”

“It is refreshing, isn’t it?” she agreed.

Right now, I am a different person than I was a month ago. I’m realizing what I’m like as a parent, as a teacher, as a friend, and as a Christian. Right now, I am experiencing more patience than could ever flow out of the American KJ. “Love leaves a lasting impression” has become my motto. Right now, I am content.

Zoro said something profound when Emilianne recently went to convert the cost of something in her head: “Why are you thinking in dollars when we’re living in bolivianos now?”

Right now, I am living in bolivianos. I am using the phrase “¿no ve?” at the end of sentences like it’s second nature. My ideals for punctuality have adjusted to this laid-back culture. Things don’t matter so much (ten shirts and five pairs of pants don’t provide much of an opportunity to be “cute”). If we don’t have it, don’t worry about it! Right now, I’m more conscientious about spending money and using supplies. Right now, I’m not setting a timeline for learning Spanish, just relishing every time a new word is added to my vocabulary through the day.

Right now, my biggest worry revolves around measuring up to what I think I should be to Las Lilas, if I have their approval. Right now, I experience guilt leaving them or taking time to myself while they are awake and active. Right now, I am finding the balance of being enough by letting God be enough.

Right now, I am experiencing what it means to give the present to God, focusing on forming that habit.

Present Experience

It was recently SM Emphasis Week at SAU. Everyday they asked us a question, so I thought I’d share here what I enjoyed writing then:

1) Where are you & what are you doing?

Familia Feliz, Bolivia

• Religion and English teacher to first and second grade

• House parent of eight girls aged three to thirteen

• A daily jungle gym

2) What is God teaching you right now?

• Love leaves a permanent impression.

• Joy is being at the center of God’s will.

• Involvement is a step above presence.

• Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s all small).

• Heaven will be forever.

• Dirt doesn’t hurt you.

• Heat doesn’t last.

• Bananas are versatile.

• Simple is better.

• SMs are forever family.

3) What is your favorite spot at your location? Why?

My favorite spot is the table at La Casa de Las Lilas,

the center of creating, devouring, learning, talking, and sharing.

4) What is something new you’ve experienced there?

• Sharing a shower with a tarantula

• Playing baseball with a wasp nest

• Using a lice nit comb

• Putting up cardboard to keep out rain

• Hitchhiking

• Teaching in Spanish

5) How have you seen God?

I’ve seen God everyday:

• Incomprehensible contentment

• Brilliant stars, warm sunrises

• Immediate miracles

• Patience and grace I couldn’t manufacture

• Overwhelming love from kids

This week I read a description of a godly person in Psalm 112:9: “He has dispersed abroad, he has given to the poor; his righteousness endures forever…” A new thought struck me: when God says the righteousness of that person will endure, it means that their impact of right-doing will be lasting. A lasting impact is my present great desire, to do something to make a difference, and this verse brought me joy and peace.

Future

“The future is much easier to give God than the present because we don’t have it yet.” (Mornings with the Masters)

The future seems so distant and foreign to me now. From my blissful, busy bubble I forget that the world continues to spin.

But I am reminded that nothing lasts forever. Southern had their SM vespers recently; my mom was there and said she watched students going up in response to the call to be a student missionary. “One of those girls who went up may be the one who is holding Nirza in a year from now,” she told me.

I cried writing that.

I don’t want to leave Lisvania to write “te amo” to a different SM; I don’t want Nirza’s cheek smashed into someone else’s; I don’t want Alejandro to cry on another’s shoulder; I don’t want Mariana to snatch chocolate chips from another person’s pancakes; I don’t want Milenca asking someone else to play our song “¡más alto!” Because this all means that there will be an after me.

One of my biggest fears coming here was leaving.

“I don’t want to go back, Lord,” I prayed this week. “I don’t want to leave these kids, to be just another person they loved and lost. And I don’t want to go back to the way things were. I don’t want to step back into materialism, into self-sufficiency, into accomplishment-centered chaos, into a world that moves too fast and revolves around me and my dreams. I won’t go back to that.”

But I am reminded that I am the future for someone who was here before me. If I can be the one who receives the notes, comforts the tears, plays the music, and fries the pancakes, then someone after me will be just as called to be here and do those things.

God is not the God of just the present. He is the God who worked here — and in my heart — in the past; He is the God who has good plans for the future.

For now, however, I’m going to savor my life on pause. I’m going to enjoy only speaking in the present tense.

Love from the right now,

Katie-Jane

🤍